okay.
i’m 21 years old. an age where i guess youre “supposed” to have grown past high school shit. yet… when i do reveal my age to random somethings in my daily life, they tell me i’m “supposed” to make mistakes, and enjoy my life while i’m so young. im sort of inbetween… but leaning slightly more towards the latter. i want to be a responsible adult — but i also just wanna fuck myself up and laugh about it.
aside from my practical endeavors—money making, school learning, asset-of-society-being, and day by day thinking of new ways to organize myself and utilize this potential—i do have another life. a life of relationships, of love, of people.
currently i’m going through a stint with one of my very, extremely close friends. weve been friends, like sisters, for years on—we got history. of course, when youve got enough history with someone, youre bound to bump heads from time to time. and do we!!!! we fight. we fight like two people in love fight, except we dont get that nice lil consolation sex right after. we let the anger fester. bitter, territorial, unreasonable female biology at its finest. yes. that is us.
sometimes i wonder if this is an issue of insecurity. i can be stubborn as fuck, defensive as fuck, and let my mouth run for hours til my throats so raw from spilling and my eyes are so dry from crying theres a tiny but surprisingly existent chance i might pass out from dehydration. ive learned that i react liek so because 1) i have a very difficult time expressing or even understanding emotions. 2) i used to be extremely insecure about myself. i didnt wanna hear shit. i didnt wanna open my mind to the reality that MAYBE… just MAYBE im here projecting my own weaknesses on other people and using it to distance myself from them. its easier that way. its less taxing on my own confidence.
i used to lash back. i still do in my own way. but ive started to walk away. to keep my damn mouth shut for once. to let someone have the last word, and im not even looking up to see if i can still catch it. i think it’s.. how do you say.. being the bigger person??
in all honesty though, bouts of anger naturally thin out between true friends. there is nothing to be afraid of with me. i love my peoples. i forgive us for our flaws. the worst that could happen is we lose touch, and even that has no bearing on the memories we’ve created together. i am thankful for everything in my life.
i still have pride, but im trying not to let it cloud my own fair, objective judgment. i still have shortcomings, but im trying to be honest with myself that i have them, and im trying to change for the better, and im trying to accept the things i just cannot change. i see that stupid saying used over and over again the whole serenity to accept the things i cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference and i skim through it w apathy just like everyone else—but i know it is true. and here i am. 21 years old. and trying to make sure i have that wisdom by the time im 30. hopefully hopefully.
