every year i’m FB-bombarded with long, elaborate dedications from all my friends to their mothers. it’s very sweet, but something that i know very little about. me and my mom live in the same home, but we’ve been estranged for years. of course we were affectionate in childhood, but once i started sprouting my legs and it was obvious that i had no emotional need of her, things just kind of tapered off and now we’re just what we are — total strangers. we know nothing about each other. and when i do try to make an attempt to confide in her, the convo immediately transforms into a long winded critique .. of me. what i’m doing wrong. what i’m always doing wrong. she can never just let me be my own person or accept my ambitions, and because i didn’t grow up into that picture she drew in her head, she pretty much became disinterested in anything i wanted to pursue — she doesn’t know what i what to do with my life, the people that were important to me, nor has she ever really asked or supported me in my teenage years until now. maybe my idea of her will change as i grow older and it becomes more apparent that she won’t be around forever — maybe i’ll appreciate her more — but my recent memories of her are bleak. i do feel grateful for some simple things she offers, like great home cooked meals. not often, but sometimes. and i see her objectively and know she has sacrificed so very much for me and my three sisters — i know she is unselfish, and I admire that, but something within me can’t bring myself to suffice on that observed quality alone. she is strange. and withholding. and because of that so am i. i guess I’m just trying to say that not all human relationships are perfect, they are idyllic is some aspects, and faltering in others.
poor thing. she had an abscess behind her eye that ruptured and basically infected her entire left face. the skin’s fallen off and she pretty much looks like a monster. and i feel like a monster having let her live this way for the past two weeks.
she’s such a good dog, but there really is no other way than this. death happens to everything, so i’m not really broken up over it. how does that saying go??? oh yes…
all dogs go to heaven :]
but i’m thinkin’ TRIPLE X.
the direct correlation with how much my teacher lectures, how interested my facial expressions look, and how much i am not listening.
i know i should pay attention more in class but i just cant help but feel this is all some dilly dally time-consuming precursor to state boards (which they pretty much are) soo… just give me the notes. i’ll read them. and peace out. such is my go-to study method i’ve had since childhood. what makes me think things will change now??
on another note.. this is my first blog since 2010. i dont even know who reads this anymore. probably no one. i am a hiatus whore.
Schadenfreude - N. German. Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.
me, briana, and big keith have decided to all co-create an NGO targeted at meth addicts hailing from san bernardino, california. we are currently in the process of putting together a meth-addict stimulus package which will include a fully funded annual supply of face wash, lighters, tin foil, $30 via moneygram, windex, and newspapers for your local basehead in need. for your more ambitious crackhead, we will provide a wide range of career opportunities including windshield wiping @ various king-taco drive thru’s. if you would like more information, please contact me or anyone else who gives a damn. thank you.
“Turning drug addiction in productivity since 2010!”
“ if you cant dazzle em with brilliance. then baffle em with bullshit.
— i live my life doing both. @ the same time.
